sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
