I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
