Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
