i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
