if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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