i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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