Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
