Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
