New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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