i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
