I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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