She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
