Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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