dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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