I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
