Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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