Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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