chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
