I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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