I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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