There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
