??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Randomize
