I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Randomize
