A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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