Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
