God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
