Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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