it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
