This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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