i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
