I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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