i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
