i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
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