cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
