Your mouth is God's brothel.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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