Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
