tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
