Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
