u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
