can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
