The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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