So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
