I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
