I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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