I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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