So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
