I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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