Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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