They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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