porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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