Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sorry about my life...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
